Every child, from age zero to about two years old is completely fused with the
mother. The child sees her mother as an extension of herself. During this time the child needs to
feel her omnipotence, meaning she must get a sense that she can be in charge of her needs. If she
cries because she is hungry and the mother (her extension) feeds her, the child learns that she is
worthy of attention and develops confidence that she can act upon her world.
Besides physical needs, the mother must be able to mirror her child emotionally. She must be able
to sense when her child needs emotional comfort and put any of her own needs or anxieties aside in
order to be there for her child. This is called "mirroring". None of us receive perfect mirroring;
that is not necessary. However, we do need to receive "good enough" mirroring.
When these omnipotent desires during infancy are not attended to two things happen, 1) the child
becomes permanently stuck in this phase and stays narcissistically needy, and 2) a deep shame develops
about not being worthy of love and not being capable in the world. From this time on the child, and
later adult, will need 1) a "narcissistic supply", people who will feed her unmet needs, and 2) a
defense against the deep shame living inside of her. The exhibitionistic narcissist accomplishes this
by using a multitude of people for the much needed attention and adoration and trying to avoid the
shame at all costs. The closet narcissist accomplishes this by fusing with one person to try to get
all her needs met and by projecting her shame onto others. She does this by mercilessly criticizing
and devaluing her spouse or any of her children.
The closet narcissist will try to find a partner whom she can either adore or who adores her, with
whom she can act out either the needy child or the harsh mother. She will try to attach to this
partner with the fierceness of a young monkey clinging to a wire mesh mother. She most likely will
also cling to at least one of her children since the adult relationship can never truly fulfill her
infantile needs. She will want more.
Strangely enough, this family can look good on the outside because the acting out of the harsh
mother will usually happen only in the safety of the four walls at home. Unlike the exhibitionistic
narcissist the closet narcissist will appear socially competent. This is why it is so necessary to
have validation for the craziness that develops in the psyche of a daughter with a closet narcissistic
mother.
Rapunzel is the story of a girl who grows up, or is trying to grow up, with just such a mother.
In the story this mother is split in the two major ways she influences her daughter, (1) by abandoning
her because she is unable to meet the myriad needs of her child, and (2) by clinging to her to such a
degree that the daughter feels imprisoned. The daughter in turn has no way of developing as a
self-reflective person, unless, that is, she is willing to abandon the impossible task of taking care
of her mother and to face the deep pain living inside her own psyche.
Next page: Rapunzel
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