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Licensed Marriage
and Family Therapist
MFC #27617
405 Chinn Street
Santa Rosa, CA 95404
707-575-8468
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1030 Sir Francis Drake Blvd
Suite 100
Kentfield, CA 94904
415-446-5532
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Email Gudrun
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Articles by
Gudrun Zomerland:
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Fear of Fear
Gudrun Zomerland, MFT
Fear of fear is the most destructive force within us and around us. It is
understandable to not want to be afraid. It is uncomfortable at the least and
terrifying at its worst. And yet, we human beings have been given the capacity
to feel fear for a good reason. The emotion of fear alerts us to danger and
releases adrenaline for the possibility of extraordinary action, some of which
is voluntary, such as running away or fighting, and some of which is
involuntary, such as increased heart rate or a bowel movement to decrease
weight. All of this was crucial for us to get away from those saber-toothed
tigers and is still crucial for our survival today. Fear is still the messenger
that says: "This person or this circumstance is potentially harmful. Do not go
near."
However, a lot of us run away from the very emotion that would alert us to danger instead of
running away from the danger itself. There are many reasons for it. Some of us have learned to
ignore fear during childhood because we experienced so much of it that it was easier to numb
ourselves emotionally. The consequence is that we walk through adult life still ignoring scary
situations. Others among us are so cuddled in all the creature comforts we enjoy today that we
have become utterly unaccustomed to tolerating the discomfort of fear. In its
most extreme form this ignorance or intolerance of fear needs an addiction (or
two or three) to keep away any possibility of connecting to what is truly going
on inside.
The task at hand is to welcome our fears and not run away from them. If we
encounter our fears with a loving attitude we might find out what they are. Our
fears are as individual as our fingerprints. Some of us are afraid of a tiny
little spider whereas others can handle tarantulas. Some of us are afraid to
cross a bridge whereas others hurdle themselves from high cliffs into the
water. Some of us are able to speak in front of huge crowds but are unable to
enter an intimate one-on-one relationship, and for others it is the other way
around. It does not matter what they are, once we know our fears we can ask
some questions: "Is this fear based on reality? If yes, what do I need to do in
order to be safe? If no, can I let go of that fear? If I feel unable to let go
in the moment, do I want to work on letting go in the future? If yes, what can
I do to make that happen?" All these questions lead to some kind of decision
and choice that honors our particular way of being.
Of course, some decisions may be simple in theory and appear almost impossible to follow through
in reality, as in the example of a battered wife with children and little money earning power who
wants to leave her husband but feels she needs to rely on him for survival. Sometimes we may need
to ask for a lot of help from others; sometimes we may need to risk being seemingly worse
off than we are now to get to where we want to be, a life free of unnecessary
fear. In any case, we need to love ourselves first the way we are, warts and
all. Then we can work on discarding those aspects that don't work for us. Fear
of fear keeps us needlessly away from who we are, and more importantly, keeps
us away from some vital action we might need to take. Our survival depends on
it.
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©2005-2010 Gudrun Zomerland, Chinn Street Counseling Center; all rights reserved.
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