Grief & Loss
Kevin Cooper, MFT
Loss is an unavoidable part of the human experience. From the time we are born
until we die, life
is a series of losses beginning with the loss (and comfort) of our mother's womb. Our losses can
range from the catastrophic: the death or illness of family and friends, to the more subtle: the
loss of our family unit following divorce, the loss of our our children when they leave home, or
the loss of our physical capabilities as we age. Some losses are immediate and obvious, like the
loss of a job or a home, others can be harder to identify, like the loss of one's childhood due to
family dysfunction.
Our emotional health is enhanced when we recognize the losses of our lives and take the time to
grieve them. Unfortunately many people don't understand grief and therefore try to avoid or short
cut this painful but necessary process. Common psychological symptoms like depression, anxiety and
anger are often coping mechanisms for dealing with unrecognized and unresolved grief.
The 5 Stages of Grief
When we understand the process of grief, our loses become more manageable. The grief process,
pioneered by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, involves five (5) stages: denial, anger, bargaining,
depression and acceptance. Regardless of the type of loss; grief involves moving through all the
stages. The order and length of each stage is unique to the loss and the individual.
The first stage is denial. When a loss is simply too much to bear we cope by denying that the loss
occurred. The emotional state of "being in shock" after experiencing catastrophic loss is common
and describes the psychic numbing that accompanies loses that are too painful to acknowledge.
The second stage is anger. Intense feelings of rage are a common reaction to coping with loss.
When our loss feels unbearable we often try to distract from our pain by directing anger at
others: family, doctors, god, whoever may be a convenient target. Expressing anger can
temporarily delay our grief, but ultimately it leaves us feeling bitter, powerless and victimized.
The third stage of grief is called bargaining. This is the period where we run "what if" scenarios
in our head, torturing ourselves with the idea that if only something different had occurred we
could have avoided our loss. Keeping this loop going only delays the inevitable, eventually we
will have to "feel" our loss if we are going to make peace with it.
It is in the fourth stage, called depression, that we begin to feel our loss. Overwhelming
sadness, regret, despair, and loneliness are common and often come in waves. These waves can last
from months to years. Over time the intensity lessens and the opportunity to process our loss
opens up. Allowing our painful feelings and working through them makes room in our hearts for
compassion and growth. In time, we move into the fifth and final stage of grief, acceptance.
In the acceptance stage we begin making sense of our grief and integrating our loss. We recognize
there is a connection between the severity of our grief and the value of what we lost; and we come
to understand that subtle losses can be more difficult to mourn than obvious ones. The loss of a
loved one can be easier to recognize than the losses experienced growing up in a dysfunctional
family, but both need to be recognized, processed and mourned.
When we learn to recognize the losses in our lives and move through the grief necessary to
integrate them, we gain insight and strength. We move from being powerless victims to empowered
survivors. Therapy can be very helpful with this process.
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